Shaping Positive Outcomes for Children of Divorce

By Maren Dale

Divorce is far more than a legal event—it’s an upheaval that reshapes the lives of everyone involved. For children of divorcing parents, it can bring feelings of confusion, loss and even self-blame as their family dynamic shifts in ways they cannot control.

For social workers, the challenge is both immense and urgent: How do you help guide families through divorce while protecting children from becoming casualties of conflict?

Consider this as a starting point: Develop a fresh awareness of factors that are impacting divorce today and recognize that while some have remained unchanged over the years, others have shifted. Going one step further, it can serve social workers to look closely at themselves—and both know and accept that strategies that may have worked well in years past may no longer be as effective moving forward.

Divorce is Becoming More Contentious

Divorce rates have been declining since the 1980s, according to a study posted at the National Institutes of Health National Library of Medicine. On face value, that seems like a positive development. But there’s more behind the statistic. For example, rates may be lower because fewer people are marrying and those who do so are marrying at older ages, when they have more maturity and may be able to better manage conflicts that arise. Additionally, gender roles have expanded, which likely has had an impact.

Larry Fishel, PhD, LCSW, has been a practicing social worker for 47 years and co-owns Associated Mental Health Specialists in Towson, Md. He has worked with hundreds of divorcing parents and their children, and has noticed one particularly significant change over the years.

“Divorce is supposed to be about the kids. Unfortunately, it has become more about the parents being angry at each other,” he says. “Now more than then, parents ‘adultify’ their children—kids are more aware of divorce and legal issues surrounding it. Parents are more angry now and they want the child to identify with them.”

Share the Continuum of Four

Fishel says it’s important for everyone involved in the situation to acknowledge that divorce can be a positive change for children. Social workers can help parents who are struggling or who may feel guilty recognize this by sharing what he calls the “Continuum of Four" framework to demonstrate this dynamic.

• Two happy parents together (Best case scenario)
• Two happy parents apart
  (Fishel points out there is a large gap between scenarios two and three.)
• Two unhappy parents apart
• Two unhappy parents together (Worst case scenario)

Social Worker-Attorney Offers New Insights

“It is not an easy time to be a human. And it’s not an easy time to be a social worker,” says Terry Lyons, Esq., MSW, managing partner of New Jersey-based Lyons & Associates, PC. “The only way through is to continue to learn and push and question what we have done in the past.”

At her firm, Lyons chairs the Family Law Department and her professional experience is both deep and wide-ranging from litigating multibillion dollar divorce cases to doing pro bono advocacy work for disabled children and victims of domestic violence. (Her personal experience mirrors her professional passions as well. She is a foster and adoptive parent to abused and neglected youth.)

Her dual role as a social worker and an attorney has given her unique insights into both professions, including ways each can be more effective in helping families going through divorce.

“I believe lawyers think too much and social workers feel too much,” says Lyons. “Lawyers have an obligation to be more empathic and social workers must think more critically. Both professions would be better served if we could strive for that.”

Raising Awareness

Because of social workers’ empathetic tendencies, Lyons believes they are at risk for becoming inadvertently triangulated when working in divorce situations. She urges social workers to remain vigilant for signs of only being told part of the truth, such as parents using therapy sessions to validate their own narratives rather than addressing their child’s needs.

“First, as harsh as it sounds, do not believe everything divorcing clients say. You need to really probe into the issues,” she says. “[For instance], far too often one parent says, ‘I have sole custody,’ but a social worker does not ask for a court order before enrolling them in therapy. Make sure everyone knows what’s happening. That means getting a court order.”

Lyons also recommends that social workers be aware of the ways that technology may be impacting them and their clients. This is important particularly in high-conflict divorce cases. One example is that a parent can now track where their child is at any given time, and parents can track each other as well. And social workers should be aware that their client secretly could be recording their session, for instance, especially now that recording technology is small and quiet and can easily fit in a bag.

Lyons also urges social workers to be meticulous in their documentation. “In the dawn of HIPAA, if something is not in the notes, it did not happen. You may have verbalized something to a client, but if you do not notate, it has not happened.”

Developing Child-Centered Approaches

Christina McGhee, MSW, is an internationally recognized divorce parenting expert, speaker and author who hosts the website divorceandchildren.com. Among her multiple roles and projects, she has created The Co-Parenting Specialist Training Program for divorce professionals. This program teaches how to use a child-centered approach to more effectively engage with adults who are co-parenting, and deepen their understanding of how divorce impacts families, then use those new insights to help co-parents craft better parenting plans.

Central to McGhee’s approach to working with divorcing families is the development of guiding principles—shared values that parents can return to during times of conflict.

“When parents focus on what they want for their children, rather than what they want from each other, it creates a touchstone that can help them navigate even the toughest moments,” she explains.

Additionally, McGhee advocates for customized co-parenting plans that prioritize children’s needs and help parents reframe their relationship from partners to co-parents.

Language Matters

Another approach McGhee suggests is for social workers to revisit the language they use when working with families going through divorce.

She points out that words used to discuss divorce matter, and thoughtful word choice can help preserve the integrity of the family. In fact, simply having a greater awareness of how you use language can have a significant influence, and help either reinforce a sense of stability or contribute to feelings of loss.

For example, using words like “custody” and “visitation” reinforce adversarial dynamics. Instead, McGhee advocates for terms that emphasize collaboration and shared responsibility.

“Replace terms like ‘custody schedule’ with ‘parenting time’ or ‘shared care,’” she advises. “Words like ‘partners’ to ‘co-parents,’ is important, too.”

For children themselves, the word “divorce” often conjures images of endings and confusion as well. McGhee urges social workers to redefine the word for children. “Divorce is a change in a family—not the end of a family. Children need to know that their family isn’t broken, it’s just changing.”

Helping Families Evolve

Fishel, Lyons and McGhee all believe families can evolve to a better place through divorce, and that social workers have the power to turn the chaos of divorce into an opportunity for growth and resilience. Other strategies to consider when working with divorcing families include:

Recognizing Your Own Biases: Lyons cautions social workers to be mindful of their own biases, especially around gender roles. While progress has been made in advancing women’s roles in the workforce, the same can’t always be said for men’s involvement in parenting. “It’s important for social workers to check their assumptions and advocate for solutions that truly serve the child’s best interest,” she adds.

Sharing the “Nesting Concept”: Another solution Fishel champions is a radical rethinking of living arrangements after divorce. Instead of uprooting children from their home, he advocates for “nesting”—where children stay put and the parents alternate living there. It’s a practice that requires maturity and sacrifice and he admits it is not feasible for everyone—but for the child, it can mean the difference between a traumatic rupture and a steady transition.

Normalizing Parental Feelings: Many parents feel guilt over changing their children’s lives through divorce, and these feelings have the potential to negatively impact their co-parenting efforts and the child's well-being. “Even though divorce is common, it changes all aspects of their lives and many are dealing with it in isolation. It can be gut-wrenching for them thinking about how the divorce may be impacting their child’s life,” says McGhee. “Let parents know they are not alone. Social workers are perfectly positioned to normalize those feelings and help parents manage and embrace them.”

Maren Dale is a writer based in Washington State and has written for NASW since 2009. She has interviewed more than 500 leaders and written for more than 100 organizations in 18 states.