The Five Phases of Divorce Grief—A New Model

Viewpoints

By Oona Metz, LICSW, CGP

Divorce is a legal and financial process but it is a profound emotional experience as well. Social workers have an opportunity to help clients who are ending their marriage to normalize their feelings, reduce shame and guilt, gain clarity and become more empowered.

There is a legal arc and an emotional arc of divorce, and sometimes those align in a way that the intensity of divorce-related feelings quiets considerably by the time the divorce is finalized. Other times there is emotional fallout even after the legalities are over. Because each divorce is unique, it’s impossible to predict exactly how and when emotions will arise, and yet there are common themes and patterns that tend to follow a similar path.

Lacking a better model, social workers have been using the Kübler-Ross stages of grief to describe the emotional journey of divorce. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross posited that people begin the grieving process with denial, then proceed through anger, bargaining and depression until they reach the final stage of acceptance. Her model has been useful, but it was not designed to represent the grief associated with divorce.

I am a social worker who specializes in treating clients at the end of their marriage. For the past 30 years I have worked with hundreds of women who are navigating divorce in both individual and group therapy. Because I believe people benefit from a blueprint that allows them to chart their progress, I have developed a new model of divorce grief. It is designed to help divorcing clients and their social workers track their grieving and healing processes together.

My model consists of five phases: Heartbreak, Rollercoaster, Mending, Letting Go and Moving On, and provides a general roadmap for the process of recovery. Like the Kübler-Ross stages, the phases of my model may overlap and there can be a return to earlier stages before moving forward again.

Heartbreak is the first phase of divorce grief. No matter who initiated the divorce, this initial phase includes profound sadness, anger and fear. For the person who didn’t initiate the divorce, feelings of shock and denial may prevail. Many people describe feeling as if the rug has been pulled out from under them, a bomb has gone off in the living room, or their foundation has been shaken. People also may experience physical symptoms in this phase, including changes in sleep and appetite.

Spouses who initiate their divorces suffer emotionally as well. Many of them have tried to improve their marriages for years and feel heartbroken and guilty as they face their decision. In this phase, clients need an empathic, compassionate connection and help regulating their nervous system.

Rollercoaster marks the middle of the divorce and is often the longest phase. People commonly experience a whirlwind of emotions, and some even feel so much they fear they are losing their mind. They may experience sadness, anger, fear, frustration, worry, regret, hurt, rejection, shame, confusion and relief. Feelings come and go in no predictable order and often overlap. At times, two seemingly opposite emotions arise at once. Many people experience immense relief when the rollercoaster phase subsides. Social workers can help clients in this phase develop a good support system and a self-care plan that works.

Mending is a time when emotions become less intense and less frequent as people work on mending their hearts. This phase represents a shift in focus away from their ex and toward themselves. They may still feel sad or angry, but they also will experience greater relief as they move away from the conflict and tension in their marriage. Relationships with ex-spouses, family and friends may get renegotiated during this phase. Seeking new connections and creating new boundaries is an important aspect of mending. Social workers can help clients reflect and take responsibility for the role they played in their marriage and divorce.

Letting Go marks a time when people accept that their marriage is over. Many people feel calmer as they move out of a state of limbo and into a life with more certainty. Their marriage story evolves to include greater understanding and shared responsibility. With more energy for investing in non-divorce-related activities, many people experience greater peace and no longer feel so activated by their ex-spouse. As a new identity emerges, it’s easier to let go of an identity as a married person and someone who is part of an intact family. Many people find forgiveness toward themselves, their loved ones, and maybe even their ex-spouse. Social workers can help their clients create and maintain healthy boundaries in this phase.

Moving On is when life returns to normal, but not the normal of the past. A new identity emerges when people embrace what they need and want in life. As power and control are regained, clients feel more empowered as they embrace new interests and relationships. Many people go from feeling the divorce was the worst thing that could have happened to them to the best thing. While divorce will always be part of their personal history, it is no longer part of their daily concerns. In this phase, social workers can assist clients in determining what their next chapter will look like.

Oona Metz, LICSW, CGP, is a Boston-based psychotherapist who specializes in treating women navigating divorce. She is the founder of The Beacon Group Fellowship, which provides training to clinicians leading divorce support groups. Oona also speaks locally and nationally on divorce and group therapy. She has written for Psychotherapy Networker, The Los Angeles Review and Cognoscenti. Her forthcoming book, “Unhitched: The Divorce Book for Women,” will be available in January 2026.

Viewpoints columns are guest editorials about topics related to social work. They are written by contributors to Social Work Advocates magazine, and do not necessarily represent the opinions or reflect the policies of NASW. If you are interested in writing for Viewpoints, please email us at swadvocates@socialworkers.org.